Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Panic Mode. Let's Avoid That, Shall We?

The fact of the matter is, I have finals in two weeks, and three presentations that I have to give on Monday, as well as people that I have to meet with regarding living situations, and interviews. Plus, I haven’t been there for the past two weeks anyway, thereby losing all authority I have over the other scene shop workers. And I suck at explaining things. And people don’t listen to me. So much for everything my mom told me about my being a leader and not a follower when I was little. The fact of the matter is, between my upcoming presentations, my job interviews, and my potential roommate interviews/viewings of rooms and houses, and my evening job, I don’t have any time to work for the next two weeks.
As soon as I turned in my notice, it hit me how stressed I am right now. And I guess it wasn’t really turning in my notice, because giving notice consists of letting your employer know that you will only be there for two more weeks, and that is kind of pointless for my situation.
To give you an idea, here is my finals to-do list:

  1. Women and gender paper (half done)
  2. Women and gender powerpoint (wont even be started until Sunday night)
  3. Language Learning and Acquisition (LLA) powerpoint slides
  4. LLA paper
  5. LLA unit three paper
  6. Russian lit novella
  7. Russian lit paper topic
  8. Women and gender test
  9. Russian lit paper
  10. Driver's test
  11. Practice for Driver's test
  12. Psych internship paperwork (mostly done, I just need to write a page on what I have to do for my internship)
  13. Then there's actual finals.
Now an idea for why I am stressed:
  1. The length of my to-do list
  2. Three presentations due all on the same day
  3. At least 6 psych articles to read before Sunday
  4. Prep for my driver's test
  5. I'm now unemployed
  6. I'm looking for a house/place to live for myself and my boyfriend (harder than you would think, because most places that we can afford, the landlord or housemates are opposed to taking a couple, and I can't afford many places like that on my own.
  7. I can't get a house/place to live without a source of income, and believe me... they check for that.
  8. I have to get a cheap place that isn't far from University, in a good neighborhood. This is difficult to find, because all the places near University are either expensive, or are in a neighborhood that I wouldn't want to be biking home alone at night in without a machete or handgun.
And what am I going to do to keep from freaking out? Good question:
  1. I will remember that I most likely have a month or two to find another job and a place to live.
  2. I will remember that I most likely got the job at Zales
  3. I will remember that AAS is coming, and that makes everything better
  4. I will remember that Uncle Oldman will help me out if I need it
  5. I will repeat my mantra, "Que sera sera"
  6. I will take things step-by-step
  7. I will take deep breaths
  8. When I start to freak out, I will take a break
  9. I will remember that God will provide me with a home when I need it.
I hope this will work. I hope things will turn out alright.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Challenged World Views

Above: Degas's "Bather"

I stood at the bus stop today
Feeling totally out of place in my fancy dress clothes
Amongst all the low-income citizens,
Mentally and physically disabled persons,
And the different races.
Though, I guess I shouldn't have felt out of place...
I'm one of them,
Just a sheep in wolf's clothing.
I placed my bike on the bicycle rack,
Climbed onto the bus,
Paid my fare.
They could tell that I don't usually ride,
I didn't have a monthly or weekly pass.
I pulled out my book,
The one I'm reading that has an essay in it
About Degas and the female nude.
I turned to the spot that I had marked,
The spot with the painting Bather on it.
A girl sits next to me,
About my age.
She's dressed like someone you would typically think of as
White Trash.
She must have glanced over,
Because she commented,
"I love that painting."
It was of a nude woman... so I thought she was being crude
I thought she didn't really recognize the painting.
Then she said,
"He's a great artist. Degas."
The wind blowing outside the bus
Could have blown me out the window
And left me in the bus's exhaust.
"Yeah," I replied. "I'm writing an essay on him for a class."
"For college or for high school?"
"For college."
"I wanted to go to art school. I got a couple offers when I was in high school.
But I was three credits short of graduating."

I guess it just wasn't worth it for her.
She moved on after a short conversation,
Leaving my
Preconceived misconceptions
On the seat next to me.
I didn't like them enough to want them back,
So when I got off, I left them there
For some other snobby bitch to pick up.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Update, and My Story.

Alright, alright. It’s been awhile since I last posted, and I guess I owe you an update. As of this moment, I have four places that I am seriously considering for me and AAS when he gets here. I am going to check one of them out on Sunday hopefully. I think that that will be the right place for us, if they like us well enough. I think I landed myself the retail job, but I have an interview at a bank on Tuesday. The manager who interviewed me asked me to sell her the pen she was using, and I was like, hmm, it’s a clickie pen… Then I turned to her and said “Manager, this is a great pen, because you can use it with one hand. You seem like a busy woman, so when you come into the office, and you have coffee in your hand and need to sign something immediately, it’s one click with the hand you’re holding the pen with, and you’re in business. Besides, look at the lovely color of the ink!” She said to me, “If you can sell me a pen, successfully, in 30 seconds, you can sell anything with training.” She also told me that she’s “still interested if [I’m] still interested,” which I am, because I need something that pays the bills, and I need it in a hurry.
Yesterday was my first day at the DA’s office (for my internship), and I am proud to say that not only did I take my first call (SCARY, at first) but I was assigned my first case, and successfully completed the first steps that I needed to take for that. I also got the fancy little key-card thingie that magically unlocks doors when I wave it like a wand in front of the little black doo-hickies next to them. I also set up my phone line, and felt like an idiot when I had to ask a secretary how to turn off my computer because it kept automatically restarting when I shut it down. It was ghost computer.
Speaking of ghosts, the WDC concert is this weekend, so I’ve been teching it up x.hardcore.x all week this week. Last night was Opening Night, and I feel proud to say that I designed a damn good light show with what I had available. The stage manager of SA helped me A LOT, and taught me how to do stuff that AHarv never taught me to do while I was working in the light shop. I knew how to focus lights before I started working in SA, but I didn’t have any experience with bounce focusing, which I did successfully the first time on the second light that I tried. I also got experience in setting up microphones, and such like that. Seriously. Great experience. He watched the show last night (the SM of SA) and gave me kudos for successfully pulling off so many light cues for one show. The only problems that I’ve been having with this are these three damn lights. They’re in the very back, and they come on at random, and go off at random. We in the business call this “ghosting”. Hence the “speaking of ghosts” earlier. We managed to get to the last song (out of 12 dances) before the ghosting lights came on. I think that that is pretty damn good.
Finally, this week was sexual assault awareness week. I went to “Take Back the Night” in Campus Chapel after rehearsal, and no one was there anymore. I still went in, with the intention of praying and processing. What ended up happening was another person who was at my rehearsal came in late, and I ended up telling him my story, and crying about it for the first time. Like I told him, I have difficulty with it, and complicated feelings about it:
It wasn’t night. It was day. He had just asked me to be his girlfriend, and I liked him well enough, so I said yes. I told him before anything happened that I didn’t want to have sex, so he did everything but. Many things I was uncomfortable with. After my sexual assault training with the DA’s office, I realized that even the steps before the actual thing occurred were considered sexual assault, because I felt violated. It’s why I never liked receiving head. I never said yes. Then he started pressuring me. Pressing up against me. To the point where I knew he was going to rape me. He didn’t have protection, because we weren’t having sex. This is where it gets confusing. I got up. I dug in my drawer for a condom. I handed it to him. This was to protect myself. Now, I ask myself why I didn’t just leave. I was up. I could have/should have just put my clothes back on and left. The DA training says when women ask questions like that “You did what you had to do to survive.” I didn’t say yes to him. But I didn’t say no either.
When my mom returned home that night, I told her what had happened in my bedroom earlier. I guess take back the night wasn’t the first time I cried, because I cried when I told her. Do you know what she said to me? She reminded me of how many men I had slept with in the past year. She told me I was being promiscuous. She called me a whore.
Now, my mom and I were close. Still are. So you can see why I started to believe her. Why, for almost two years, I believed that it wasn’t really rape, that it was just a bad sexual experience. Then I took the DA training. I realized that my feelings of being violated were valid. Friends and relatives often blame the victim to distance themselves from it. This is what my mother was doing by calling me a whore, by telling me I was just being promiscuous. I realized that that boy had touched me in the confusing way, not the good touch or the bad touch. The confusing touch. And my responses to said touch were just as confusing.
He left hickies on my neck. I had to wear those for at least a week. And every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of what happened. I was reminded that I had been a part of this, that I didn’t know what that part was. But I did know that I didn’t want it, and I did know that I felt like crap because of it.
And just now, because of what she said to me, just now, I am able to process what actually happened to me.

Friday, April 16, 2010


Big changes have been happening recently. Seriously. Unless you're me, you have no idea what this feels like. Most of you are used to reading this blog and hearing me bitch about random things. I have been unhappy. No wonder I bitch. Well, I'm beginning to change that.

  1. I gave notice with KS, and will be telling MS on Sunday that I will be moving out no later than August (I'm going to shoot for/plan for earlier, because I want to get the hell out, and I have to be ready to go with, like, a week's notice). This is exciting, because I finally get to live on my own, determine my own schedule, and be more in control of my life. And this will be a good thing. I will be responsible for my own rent, which scares the hell out of me, but I will make it. Which brings me to my next point.
  2. AAS is finally moving up here. We're going to live together. This is AMAZING, I can't believe it's happening, I can't wait, and like the above change, I am scared shitless (He says he is too, so it's okay). (PS, shut up Microsoft word. I used the proper form of "it's")
  3. Being responsible for rent means getting another job. With my days full of 8-5 shifts, I thought this would be nearly impossible, and that with the recession, neither AAS or myself would be able to find jobs. However, I walked into Zales yesterday after taking their little "Do you have a clean criminal record" test. I passed, and with the number of hours I am looking for before I move out, they are ecstatic to have me, and asked for an interview immediately, but I'm pretty sure I have the job. I will have to work only on weekends though until I move out, or ask KS for the time off.
  4. My new fish is not dead, and I haven't decided on a name for him. (okay, this is less exciting, but my next point was the DA Victim Assistance position, and you already knew about that, and having to get my Driver's License, which, by the way, the DMV in this county is a bastard because they wouldn't let me take my driver's written test, because my transcript wasn't sent to me. Dick move, guys. Dick move. See, they didn't actually specify that I needed to have it sent to me. They just told me that I needed the transcript. I cried, and kicked my bike with flip flops on, and now I have a blood blister. Yeah… I wasn't very smart right in that moment.)
  5. Also I got all the classes that I want for next year, but I can get rid of two, if I want to decrease my tuition and my financial aid, and I have all MW classes if I just get rid of the hard one of the two.. I'm so tempted, but if I want to go to grad school, they're going to see that I took two 100 level classes, and two 400 level classes, which would look bad for me. But I definitely don't want to be stressed.

More updates later, as things progress. I've found a place that would be willing to take AAS and me in August. J

Monday, April 12, 2010


Couple of new things:

First off, I got a new fish. His name is yet to be determined. At the moment, I'm torn between Ghandi, Maximus Decimus Meridius (from Gladiator), or Dog. He's a betta, aka, a fighting fish, so it would be ironic to name him Ghandi, fitting to name him Maximus, and I thought it would just be funny to name him Dog, because I had to walk through the park when I was bringing him home.

Secondly, and possibly more excitingly, I got the internship with the DA, which means that I can cross that off my Bucket List. I'm STOKED, and I just about called today to see if I could take a case as a volunteer, even though I don't start as an intern until May. Then I remembered how much stuff I have to do between now and my birthday (in May) and decided that maybe it wouldn't be a wise idea. Something else that just occurred to me is that they probably wouldn't let me because I don't currently have my driver's license and they don't take people without their licenses, which brings me to my next point:

By May, I will have my driver's license, for the first time ever (unless I fail, but I am praying please please please don't let me fail, because if I do, I can't have my internship!) which means that I will be able to cross that off my list! Yay!

Anyway, I'm registering for classes for my second to last semester at University, and I'm stoked, but also nervous that I won't get the class that I want.

More updates later.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Braveheart Wasn’t Really That Brave

Well dears, it's been a little more than a week since I posted last, but I have some sad sad news. For those of you who have grown attached to Braveheart the Fish, this might come as a shock. Braveheart the Fish wasn't so brave. Despite Braveheart's brave heart on the journey home, he died Wednesday evening. He was floating on his side when I got home from school and when I caught him to take him out, he started moving again! He was swimming on his side, but he was still moving, so I hurriedly took him out, thinking that I needed to change the water in his tank, and I put him in a smaller bowl of untreated water to see if I had put too much treatment in. He laid there for a little while, moving occasionally, but by eight pm, Braveheart had moved his last gill. So I sent him to heaven via the U-bend in my bathroom.

Has anyone else had a fish die, then flushed him, then had to pee and felt bad for peeing "on the fish"?

I'm getting a hamster next time. They tolerate more and live longer.