Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I am SO gonna try this next time I order pizza... You should too

Make Ordering Pizza Fun!
* If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
* Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
* Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
* Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
* Use those bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
* Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
* Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD "Chop your pizza on a mirror!" "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
* Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
* Change your accent every three seconds.
* If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
* Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
* Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
* Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
* Order two toppings, then say, "No they'll start fighting."
* Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
* If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
* Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
* Start the conversation with "My call to (pizza place), Take 1, and...action!"
* When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOOMPH this time."
* After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
* Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
* Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
* Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
* Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat."
* When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
* Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
* Dance all around the word "pizza". Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
* Have a movie with a good car chase playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

I got this as an email and thought it was absolutely hilarious... so I posted it of course. It's just one of those things.


cheesemeister said...

Back in 1986, I was a pizza delivery person in Denver. It was an adventure. One time I delivered a pizza to this place that was surrounded by a very high fence. The gate had a big slot with a small metal door. When I rang the buzzer on the gate, this guy came out and opened the little metal door on the big slot and said "I'm handing out the money. You hand the pizza in." Which I did, looking a bit leery. He tipped well, but I was just as glad never to go back there again. In retrospect, I think it may have been a meth lab!