Sunday, November 11, 2007

Home Is Where the Heart Is

To begin with, let us speak on the definition of the word "home":

1 a: one's place of residence : domicile b: house
2: the social unit formed by a family living together
3 a: a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention b: habitat
4 a: a place of origin ; also : one's own country b: headquarters
5: an establishment providing residence and care for people with special needs
6: the objective in various games; especially : home plate

Personally, I don't agree with any of these definitions. Coming to college has changed my perspective of the word greatly. Everyone keeps speaking of the rapidly approaching Christmas Break, and how they get to return home. I still have not decided as to whether or not I'm excited to return. A wise woman once said, "Not every place you live will be your home. Like M.V. was not home for me, even though I lived there for several years. Some places are just resting places; places you happen to pass through on your journey through life."

I have come to the realization that W. is not my home yet, nor do I expect it to be. It still has the potential to become such. But as of now, it hasn't happened, nor is it happening. I have friends here. Or, to put a finer point on it, I have the qualities of friendship without the love that comes with friendship. And I definitely don't have the family love here. D.H. lives nearby, but not near enough to visit every weekend. I also have work, hobbies, homework, food, and Jones soda. All the elements of a home, and yet it really is not my home.

Then I look back. Look back at what I left behind in little old S.W: D.T.O. (the guy I loved), K.S. (who moved to California anyways), H.T. (who I wasn't really that close with to begin with), S.S, my family, and some others.
Next question: who out of those people speak to me through the internet, or call me here at college? And who do I have to call?
H.T. communicates with me part of the time. D.T.O. and I had a hard time when I left, so we don't speak much, and when we do, it's me calling him. K.S. and my mom are really the only people I talk to who call me as much as I call them. We talk on a regular and frequent basis, and I think that those two, and the rest of my family are the only people/things that I have left there. And K.S. doesn't even live there anymore.

W. isn't my home, S.W, we can conclude, isn't really home anymore. Therefore, we can further conclude that I really am "homeless" in a figurative sense of the word. Makes me feel alone in this world.

So, the final question, I think, is: am I excited to go "home" for break?
What reason do I have to be exited? Many of my friends at home don't talk to me on a regular basis, so I probably won't see them for the time that I will be there. The one's that do talk to me, I will probably see a few times, we'll probably hang out, get caught up and whatnot. Or maybe I'll just end up working through my whole break. Drown my loneliness with business, and maybe be distracted, if only to forget for a moment how alone I feel, with the purpose of making it hurt less when I return to W.


Jeff C. said...

I found going home difficult for my first 2 yrs of university. A lot of my friends stayed to work in a factory or farm and we had nothing to talk about. I was worried about marks, assignments, etc. and they were worried about being laid off, market prices and bills. After a while it all went away and we're back to being normal. My advice is to suck it up and reach out to everyone before you've drifted too far apart and you can't reach them at all.