Thursday, October 15, 2009

Good Direction

I just had coffee with a professor of mine from the theatre department. "Follow your heart," he says. Boy, that statement has never been more wrong. I want to major in theatre. I want a career in theatre. I want to open my own theatre company and give the artistic positions to the homeless to solve social stigmas. But all those plans have been mislaid. What's that saying? "The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry." It's not fair. It's not fair, I tell you! Yes, I like psychology, but it isn't what I want to do with my life. I planned this out, so far. I had big ideas of what I was going to do with my life, how I was going to live out God's word. Not going to happen anymore, apparently. He said, "You seem more at peace with yourself." He said, "I'm excited for you. Changes in life are fun." No. Sorry C.H. You're wrong for once. I feel so out of control, and this change is scary! I have no idea what I'm doing, or what direction I'm going in. I've already decided that I'm done blaming M. and A. for this, so I'm not going to say that it's their fault, but I am going to say that the events that are happening are loosely connected to events that have happened regarding them in the past.

Here's the thing about me: I hate when I'm not in control, especially when I'm not in control of my own life. And right now, I have no idea what I want to do after college in the track that I'm studying in. I have to do an internship over the summer if I want to study abroad next year, and I have no idea where to start with that. I just don't know what I'm doing, or where I want to go after this, and I am so not at peace with myself right now. I don't understand how this is all supposed to piece together in the end, and not knowing where I'm headed after this is so difficult. I can't make plans if I don't know where I'm going. At least I have a plan through December. Falloutàold lady jobàinability to complete theatre production assignmentsàinability to complete my theatre majoràchange of life plans. Whoo! Yay for surprise plans! I'm so lost right now, and I just need someone to lead me out of this forest, out of this darkness. I can't see a damn thing in the dim light that barely makes it through the tree growth, and I need a flashlight to continue on the path. Life lesson: plans are fluid. Nothing is ever set in stone. People say that children are more mentally stable if their environment is stable, but how can that be, if plans are never stable? Maybe that's the reason I'm so messed up, because I didn't have a stable upbringing.

I remember going to the grocery store with my mother and bringing my calculator along to make sure that we could buy all the food we needed for the week. My mom had a basic list that we called "staple foods": the foods that you could do anything with if you had them. They were milk, sugar, flour, bread… and something else, but I can't remember what the last one was right now. I think it was meat. But we always got those things first, and mom would tell me how to do the calculations, and add up what we had to see how much our total would be. I remember moving from place to place after my parents divorced. I remember hating my mom for so long, until I had a taste of living with my father.

So, while I'm trying to stabilize my life, I'm listening to John Mayer, relaxing, trying to breathe deep. And while I feel all this anxiousness, and worry that I'm making all the wrong decisions, I feel a small amount of relief at the idea of a decision having been made.