Thursday, October 29, 2009

Random Thoughts of the Day

The thought of India is filling my head. I cant seem to think of anything else. I'm in my history class, and I cant concentrate. I keep thinking about what God is doing in my life, and gaining hope, and then going through the depression pattern and slipping back into doubt that I can do what needs to be done, and doubt that I am talented enough to do art with these women in India. I'm having all sorts of problems with M.S, and they're problems that I have tried to solve, but fail at solving, and I don't really understand what I'm doing wrong to make her unhappy. I get really upset when I cant solve my problems with her, and I know that she senses it too. It's frustrating for both of us, so I don't know what to do. This frustration carries over to the prospect of going to India, and I keep thinking, how the hell am I going to manage and work with people in India when I cant even solve my problems and help, and make someone feel better about herself here? I've just been getting really insecure about it recently, and I've prayed about it. I was finally sent over the edge with M.S. last night, and I am resolved to quit and move out by the end of December. I've already started looking for a place and a new job. A.S. is coming to my house for Christmas because I have to work the whole break at EB. It's really frustrating because I wanted to go to his house, and I wanted my ring, but I don't know what is going to happen. All these things are clouding my vision of India, and what I could do there. I'm just worried that I'm not strong enough in my faith, and that I wont have the words to resolve situations, and that I wont have the artistic ability to influence these ladies.