Sunday, November 18, 2007

Eventual. Gradual.

"Say it's alright, have a good time, cause it's alright, yeah, it's alright."
Since I got to college I have found these words to be true several times. However, College wants to conquer me with it's hard times, bad roommates, bad food, lack of God, and many fewer friends than I had in high school.
What did I expect college to be? I expected a new start, which I got (but what did I make of it?). I expected good food, like the stuff my mom makes, which I didn't get (nobody could ever cook as well as my mom). I expected an awesome job, and I suppose that the theatre is awesome, but the job I have sucks (I sit around in a metaphorical box all day). I expected a HUGE amount of friends, and more interesting, conversation-based classes. I got a couple more interesting, none are more conversationally oriented. I expected to go to bed at a decent hour. FAT CHANCE. Hence, what I am still doing up at 7:00 in the morning. I haven't slept all night because I had an anxiety attack at 3:00 in the morning, I started cleaning, and I am just now finishing up. I expected a peaceful living situation. One in which my roommate was mature, and had compromising abilities. I have a single upperclassman that I know that I can depend on, and several friends off and on campus that I can rely on for advice and a shoulder to lean on. I expected to dive into all the activities I could. I have a radio show out of the ten clubs I started out with. I expected to leave behind feelings for my lost beau. Unfortunately, that didn't happen either.
I didn't expect math to be hard. I didn't expect the loneliness. I didn't expect so much freedom. I didn't expect to be so broke. I didn't expect to run out of meal points. I didn't expect to breakdown crying five times over a period of two days. I didn't expect suicidal thoughts.

And for those of you who have just finished reading this and who are about to tell me that everything will be okay, I know. I don't need telling again, because I've been told several times. And yes, it has sunk in. I will be okay... eventually.