Love

It's like Alex Hitchens says: "Any man has the opportunity to sweep any woman off of her feet. He just needs the right broom."
Has any guy ever considered the possible reasons why a woman wouldn't want to fall in love? Well, there are the obvious ones, like her career, another (fake) guy, or maybe it's just not a good time for her. But you know, the real reason runs deeper.
I can walk down Main street every day and count at least five couples holding hands, holding eachother or making out. Maybe not on the same streetcorner, but they're all there. Then I think about all those girls who are single, like me, who are lonely, unlike me, who are seeing these same couples, wishing, hoping, praying that they will find a guy like that. It doesn't matter whether the guy treats them like crap, just as long as they have something to do on a Friday night.
The truth of it is, women don't want to fall in love because of men themselves. I know from personal experience that it hurts to fall in love. Divorce rates are increasing, breakups are common, people are looking for their true loves, and sometimes they find them. But for most people, I don't think it exists. I think Mr. Right is a faulty character that women who don't know what they want, come up with just to have something to hope for.
The way I see it is, if a woman can work her way through college, find a well-paying job, be self-sufficient, and have a few true girlfriends (maybe a guy friend or two, as long as they don't fall in love with them), they are set for life. People come and go in your life and the best you can do is try not to get hurt. It's hard as hell but it can be done.

Now, let's look at it from the guy's point of view: he's out there, looking for a piece of ass, maybe to make a baby or two. Now, if he's a nice guy, he'll stay with his wife. The chances? Slim to none. There are a few good guys out there. And the assholes make it horrible for the good guys. They don't have a chance! If someone could tell me, please how a nice guy is going to sweep me off my feet after all the men in my life have hurt me, and make it convincing, I would be ready to try again. The most I give? One shot, then I'm done. If the men can't see the "Fuck off. I've been hurt too many times by other men just like you." stamped across my forehead, they must be blind.

The truth? Falling in love hurts too damn much too be worth it once you hit the very hard cement ground.

Tons to Tell

Are you ready for this? Well, to begin with, I got kicked out of my father's house (a blessing in disguise). My mom found out about my back and neck hurting after I fell off a horse and she called up one of my friends in Moses Lake and requested that they take me to ER because she knows my father won't. So I go to ER, my mother drives the five hours to come and get me, Shane makes a scene in ER just before we leave and I forget a lot of stuff at my father's house, including my pictures from France. SUCKY. So I come back to the West side and I spend most of the next few days in a pill-induced coma and came to the realization that Vicoden gives you some extremely screwed up dreams. When I'm finally awake enough to call people, the first person I call is my soon-to-be boyfriend (not anymore) and I ask him if we're still planning to be together. He then goes on to explain that "shit happens", just as I thought would happen. That same day, I have an interview to go to at Eddie Bauer. The next day, Tami, one of the managers, calls me and tells me that they want to offer me a position, despite the interview that (I thought) sucked. The next day, Katie and I go to see "Must Love Dogs" and have a really good time. I start my new job as a sales associate the next day at 8:30am. I got grounded shortly after that for going to see Charles, Morgan, Shauna, and Jesse. On Saturday, the thirteenth, my grandma and I drive the piano back to her house and my mom and dad are already there. We bring the piano in and the next day pick up the stuff at my father's house that I left behind. We take off up to the pass and our car ends up overheating. Turns out that it blew a headgasket. Grandma and Grandpa catch up with us and call a tow truck to tow our car to Stanwood. I get home at ten pm and call Charles after checking my email.
We talk about a ton of sensitive subjects, some including, Shane, Tyler, Charles' relationship with Shauna, and our "relationship". He finally admitted to me that he likes me in the same way that I have liked him for four years. That's a 1/4 of my life! It's funny how fast things can change. Five days later, I am extremely angry with him and I call him up and start yelling at him about lying to me about what happened between him and Shauna in the park. I totally freaked on him, the poor guy. And when I broke down and started crying, man, I really must have scared him. We start talking civilly and I tell him through my continued tears that I just want it to stop hurting. He tells me that in six years, he'll come to find me so we can get married. He had told me in an earlier email that he loves me and I finally said it back to him. But you see, this love isn't the romantic kind. It's the kind that just tells someone that you're there for them... that you care. I worked last night and it was quite funny because Delana and I talked about a ton of stuff too. Like Shane, love, boys, and doing the right thing. I aquired a new nickname too: FRG (pronounced furggie). Fitting Room Girl. Hers is EeeeeOoooo for Easy One. She thinks I have turret syndrome. A couple weeks ago, Charles invited me to his brother's wedding. It's today and even if I could find a ride, I wouldn't go. I don't want to suffer watching Charles and Shauna grope eachother until dusk, while I sit, paired up with someone who's trying to grope me, whom I don't like. In other words miserable.

On Breaking Up

You know, after a couple of more than a month breaks up, nothing's the same. It doesn't matter if the break is friendly or not, and wether you have decided to be friends with your significant other is no factor. You don't talk to eachother, and when you do talk, it's awkward, or you fight. You can't stand it anymore and you just want to tell that guy/girl that you're sorry, but you can't stay friends anymore. But you keep trying to make it work as friends. But it seems that every time you put it together, even if you use superglue, it just falls apart again. And there's nothing you can do about it. Then you find someone new... someone totally great. Your ex gives up, knowing that trying to communicate with you is all in vain. I wish I could say that you and your new guy/girl live happily ever after but that's not the way it works. The cycle of breaking up is just that, a cycle. It continues circling forever.

First Kiss

Isn't it just funny how these things happen? I mean, first you're doing something TOTALLY innocent with a guy you're crazy about (like skipping down empty halls), and before you know it, you're in an intense moment when it feels like nobody and nothing exists in the world but you and this guy. He's looking into your eyes and you're drowning in his. If he's shy, he'll ask first. And then you find yourself in his arms, your lips pressed to his with absolutely no idea what you're doing, and a fear that you'll screw up. Someone pulls away and you both smile, your breaths taken away by the sweetness and surprise. And even though it's your first time, he tells you you're a great kisser, that he can't even tell it's your first kiss. And you know what? You actually believe him because it's the perfect thing for him to say.

Big on trust

Those that know me know I need people to trust me in order to trust them. Well, today, one of my best friends (who has a hard time trusting) finally told me he trusted me. This after being friends for four years. I am so happy that he feels that he can tell me something and know that I won't turn against him. Thanks, Charlie...

Then and Now

Looking back,
I recall that at every formal,
That we both attended,
The last dance has always been ours.
Coincidence?
I think not.

I love hearing your strong voice,
Singing your solo.
It gives me chills.
It stung so much,
When you told me to shut up.
I really think you're good.

I know that you have trouble,
Trusting people.
But what I want most,
Is for you to trust me.
I won't hurt you.

I talk to people.
Everyone thinks,
We're going to get together.
Everyone thinks,
We'd make a good couple.
Everyone thinks,
The relationship would last.
We are the only ones,
Who beg to differ.

You said once,
That I hide my feelings well.
You may not know it yet,
But my 7th grade crush,
Well, it's back.

What Goes Through My Mind

I know that most high-schoolers are self-conscience about what people think of them. You walk down the streets in town, you walk down the halls at school, and you see people watching you. Maybe it just starts as a little thought in the back of your mind...What do they think of me? How do they see me? As the day goes on, you keep pondering these same questions. Eventually, they grow into something like, What would it be like to have been raised by my best friend's parents? What would my life be like? Who would I be dating? What would I think of me if I was him/her? I know, I know. Maybe I'm just weird for thinking these things, but doesn't it make you wonder...?

Up Times, Down Times, and In-Between Times

These are the Up Times. Times when life is so good, you feel like a million bucks. You feel like the whole world is on your side, like nothing could possibly go wrong. Maybe it's your birthday; maybe you just won the lottery; maybe the radio has been playing all your favorite songs and you're looking forward to a girls'/boys' night on the town.
These are the In-Between Times. And then something horrible goes wrong, like your date gets cancelled, or your friend gets sick. Depending on how bad the situation is, you're still happy, only a little less ecstatic than you were before. Then something else happens, like you get a lot of homework that you really don't understand, or you get into a fight with someone special, and again, you feel your happiness level drop a notch. Later, you get a migraine that Advil won't take care of. An hour or two after that, you're driving home after work with a splitting headache, when your car breaks down on a busy highway and no one stops to help. After an hour, itÂ’s apparent that nobody is going to stop to assist you. So you have to walk a mile in high heels to get to a phone because your cell phone battery went dead late last night, too late for you to recharge it. Finally, you find out that your best friend has died, you have an argument with your boyfriend of two years that just might end the relationship, or your grandmother has broken a hip and you don't have the money to pay her hospital bill, and all of this just sends you over the edge.
These are the Bad Times. You try to get the invisible tiger called stress off your chest in the best way you know how but somehow, it's always sitting on your shoulder. No matter how hard you try to get it off by venting to your friends, writing in your journal, running, and taking hot baths, it just wont go away. You don't know what to do anymore and all the stress built up gets you down. When people ask you if you're okay, you just reply that you're fine and go on being depressed, even though what you really want to do is yell and scream at them about all your problems and how you aren't okay. Everyday, something bad happens and you don't believe that things will ever get better. And just when you're about to make that slit on your wrist with a blade from the kitchen, someone calls. You think about making that cut and just letting the answering machine get it because it's probably just more terrible news, but something in the back of your mind says Pick up the phone. It's important. Just as the answering machine is picking up, you dive for the phone and put it to your ear.
"Hello?" you gasp into the phone. It's the person who's closest to you, the person who knows you best; your best friend, the boyfriend that you had the argument with, maybe your mother...
"I was just calling to tell you that I love you, and to check up on you to see if there's anything that you need to talk about." These are just the words that you want to hear. That special someone comes to your house and you spill your guts (tears included) about everything, from the sick friend, to the terrible argument, the dead best friend, the injured and bankrupt grandmother in the hospital, and finally to your near death. And you try to explain that all you wanted was for something to go right, for someone to listen, for someone to give you a hug and tell you that everything will be okay. Finally, after you're all talked out, the person who cared enough to call at your moment of need, your decision between life and death, takes you in their arms and finally, finally, gives you what you've been wishing for all along; a warm hug, a helping hand, an ear to listen, and a tongue to tell you everything will be all right.
And all of a sudden, the world seems brighter. The sun comes out from behind the clouds. You can sit up straight once again because the fifty pound weight of stress has been lifted from your shoulders. The tiger has left to burden someone else and the world is finally on your side once again.

16 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

11. Sing Along At The Opera.

12. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

13. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

14. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

15. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Calling all fairy godmothers:

Okay, everyone who knows me knows that I detest my father with a passion. What I hate most about abusive biological parents is how they are so SELF-ABSORBED that they cannot take the time of day to talk to their child to see what they want in the way of visitations. I have tried everything from asking him to allow me to come home early, to threatening to get emancipated (which would be totally cool because not only would I not have to see my father, I would also be able to support myself food and clothing-wise, while going to school). Nothing has worked. I just can't seem to ditch this guy! Even though I am sixteen, I can't just say, "Screw you, I don't want to come over," because if I do, my mom gets held in contempt and thrown in jail. I have an appointment with an attorney this Monday to write a letter, requesting less visitation, but somehow, with the way my luck has been running, I don't think my wish will be granted (even though, in his last letter, he claimed that he wanted my opinion; a statement that has been proven untrue (if it was true, he would have listened to me a long time ago)). If there are any "Fairy Godmothers" reading this, feel free to make my dream come true, even though the odds are against me.