Monday, September 28, 2009

I can't let it go. I can't let go of the fact that my "friends" screwed me over. I just keep thinking about that day that I found out what they really thought of me, and then everything that has caused me misery right now comes rushing back to me, and I remember why I hate them so much, and why I got so upset. This was made very apparent in the meeting that I had with C.H. today. He asked me how things were going, and I told him that I was doing fine, that I was moving on, and that I was trying not to think about it. I have everything that I need to do to cope perfectly balanced on my mind, and I'm setting aside the scales, so that I can't think about it. I don't want to think about how my major is in jeopardy because I'm not living with them, and I don't want to think about what I'm going to do after college without the degree that I was going to get. I had my life all planned out, and then, as C.H. said today, realities hit. They affected me. You know, he always asks me to have coffee with him at the most inopportune times. I had things all compartmentalized, and I was avoiding dealing with shit, and then he kicks the balances in my head and I break down crying and have to explain myself. He says not to blame myself for choosing the wrong friends. He says if I do that, I will learn to not trust people, and that that isn't healthy. But I feel so irresponsible blaming them for how sucky my life is turning out to be. Boyfriend has been telling me that I need to read the book of Job again, and understand that God is doing this to test me, and that he's still a good guy. I just find it hard to listen to. And maybe part of this is coming from the stress that I'm feeling from having being in the middle of a busy week. Light hang all day Saturday, light focus from seven to eleven on Sunday, acting journals due today, Pseudolus was supposed to be read by today for my theatre history class, but I didn't get to it in time, so I skipped. Tomorrow, I have my first exam in psychology, and I have a ton of reading (like usual) for my African-American history class, and then on Wednesday, my temporary grade coursework is due. Unfortunately, the T-Grade coursework is really time-consuming, and I was too lazy to do it over the summer, so I'm only 2/3 of the way done with it (which is WAY behind). On top of all that, I still have to log six hours per week for my production assignment, and I'm skipping work so that I can get the other stuff done, and when I'm responsible for feeding someone else, and helping someone else get ready for bed, that cuts a huge hunk of time out of my schedule. I'm just trying to chill, and trying to cope, and in so doing, I'm trying not to think about everything that is going wrong in my life, and trying to focus on the good.

Here's my monologue for you to peruse:

It's your fault, you know, if I don't design next year. You stand there, asking what I will accomplish like we're still friends. Like the kindness you show me isn't purely fake. "Purely fake"? Isn't that what you said? Well, no need to fake anymore. You led my best friend to stab me in the back. You were my closest friends on campus, and I trusted you. Only to be left eating in crowded G. isolated and alone. Only to be left changing my life plans because I can't get the experience I need to make a life for myself after college. Because of you, I'm living in a house with a crabby old woman, responding to a call button right in the middle of homework, only breathing the way she dictates, and not having much of a nightlife. I tell myself that I'm better off without you, that you destroy my self-esteem and crush my faith. But really? I hate you, because you have the life I want, the life I was supposed to have, the life that I would have had, if you hadn't been an asshole.

What do you think?