Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Revelation

I was sitting in acting class this morning, thinking about life, namely my monologue, and I came across a small thought in my head that said I'm done. I'm done thinking about this betrayal. I'm done talking about it, I'm done bitching about it. I will finish the series of letters, but honestly, they all say the same thing. I'm running out of things to say, and that, to me, is an indication of how far I've come, and how far I am going. I'm moving past this toxic thing that has taken up so much of my time and energy. This thing that I thought I would never get past. I'm moving forward!

M. Z. and A.K.,

You can't ruin my life. I spent the past six months thinking that you could, that you were. Yeah, I live in a nice house that I don't pay rent for, doing a crappy job that I hate, but you know what? How many people in this world actually like their jobs? So, what I have to say to you is, have a nice fucking life. I hope you stay friends forever, and I really do wish you the best. I hope you marry well, and have lots of fat babies, and that you do something you love in life. And I forgive you for all the pain you've caused me, and all the suicidal thoughts I've had since our falling out, for everything, essentially. Thank you for teaching me a great life lesson: You can't always trust your best friends to stick with you, but then again, if you wouldn't stick with me during my worst times, what made me think you were good friends? Yeah, I miss you. Yeah, I had better self-esteem when we were friends. But the fact remains that we aren't now, and that I will have to find new friends. Better friends. Friends who will stick around through thick and thin. And you know, you don't believe in any sort of God, and I get that. It's your belief. But I also happen to see the pattern, the chain reaction that has led me to where I am right now, and I know that it can't just be a coincidence. You were supposed to stab me in the back as sort of a slap in the face, with God asking me "Where is your faith, Jessica?" and when I wasn't sure where I was going to live, He provided a place that gives me free room and board. And because of our fallout, I went and served Him in Tacoma for a couple of weeks, and realized what He was calling me to do in my life. I witnessed a miracle because you abandoned me. And I thank you for that. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for you.

That's all I wanted to say. So, thank you.

J. M. A.

P.S. Without pain, there is no growth. Thank you for helping me grow.


On another note, I got a call from J.R. after six months of not hearing from him! He's headed to Phoenix from Seattle, and on the way back up, he said he's going to stop in Salem for the day, and we can go to lunch or something. I'm so excited! This is the day I've been waiting for so long now!

Oh, and Mom sent me a care package. It had everything that I've needed for awhile now: Zyrtec, toothpaste, a new toothbrush, vitamins and some stuff that I really don't need: Kudos bars, fresh-baked cookies, and forty bucks that I'm supposed to spend on whatever I want, not including school. Well, I've been buying little things here and there already, so I think that I will just put it toward my credit card bill.

Theatre history was cancelled today! YAY! Good thing, because I didn't do the reading, and I hate the teacher. Although he still expects a list of things from the reading, so after my next class, I'm going to haul ass home and read read read until I get it done enough to make the list. I also have to finish WEB Du Bois's book tonight for history tomorrow. Talk about DRY. It takes fifteen minutes to read ten pages, and I didn't finish the assignment from yesterday as it is. I'm so stressed because my final designs are due today, actually, and they aren't done, but C.H. says that I have a little wiggle time with them, and that he can stall a little for me, but not much. Weekend, here I come with a LOT of stuff to do. All I need to do is get through the weekend, and I will be okay. Just have to get it done, and then I still won't be able to relax because I have three term papers and two group projects that I am supposed to be working on! I thought this part of the semester wasn't supposed to come until the end when finals were here! Yikes! Anyway, I'm going to sign off for now. Wish me luck, dear readers.