Wednesday, September 23, 2009

If Life Were Simple

If life was simple, maybe I would still have close friends. If life was simple, I might be living with said close friends. If life was simple. If life was simple, maybe I would still be a theatre major. Not to say that I'm no longer a theatre major, because honestly? I don't fucking know what I'm doing right now. What I do know is that I am living in a house with a bitchy old woman who I hate so much that the devil himself could come to claim her evil soul and I wouldn't care, wouldn't bat an eye. If life was simple, I wouldn't be living my life in a constant "go go go" frame of mind. If life was simple, I wouldn't be going to class and work from 8:30 every damn day to 4:00 or 5:00 every damn night, and then coming home to cook the evil old woman dinner. If life was simple, I wouldn't be spending every waking moment hating myself, hating my life, not being okay with where I am in relation to the world.

Today, I met with the leader of Intervarsity. He wants to keep me involved with the community. I didn't tell him what happened with my pseudo-friends, but I told him enough about my living situation that I had to explain about the theatre major. When he asked me to have lunch, and when Chris asked me to have coffee with him on last week, it was all I could do to keep from crying. People care too much about my personal life, they care too much, and are WAY too invested in it for their own good. I hate crying in front of people, and I only cry in front of people who know me really well. I don't know Chris well enough to cry in front of him. I don't want them to care so much, because I am trying desperately to let go, to focus on getting through with my self still intact. And it's hard. It's so hard. It's hard trying to regain my boss's trust from when I slacked off so much last year, on top of all the other work that I have to do. I am taking 2 credits more than the average student at my school (the average is 4 credits, so you can see how this is a big deal), and I feel so stupid in 3 out of the 6 classes I'm taking, especially theatre history, where the professor doesn't like me anyway, and therefore purposely makes me feel stupid.

I just hate my life. I hate my life.