Tuesday, September 29, 2009

It’s About Closure, Bitch

Okay, so this is just an idea that I had that will turn into kind of a closure series. I want to move on with my life, and people say that you can't move on if you dwell. C.H. told me yesterday to not let tomorrow be affected by yesterday. So. Short series of letters, then I will hopefully be done.

Dear Friend,

Omigod, omigod, omigod! GUESS WHAT! I hate you bitch! Isn't it great?!? Don't fucking stand there and ask me what's wrong, why I've been so down for the past three days, you know damn well about the conversation you participated in behind my back, the conversation that was about me, the conversation that is about to end our friendship. The really good friendship, the friendship that I treasured as my best one. You know full well what kind of lie-to-your-face "friend" you are, and you know that you don't deserve my friendship. Thanks so much for stabbing me in the back. I was sick and needed to get some blood-letting done anyway. That's why you abandoned me, right? Because I was sick. And what better timing? Right as I was placing the knife against my wrist, you abandoned me. Do you realize that our friendship's demise is all your's and A.K.'s fault? You guys made me the butt of all your jokes, and I HATED it. And I took it, and took it, and took it until I just couldn't take it anymore, and somehow that translated into me being bipolar? Hmm, funny. YOU did this to me. YOU. Because of you, I slipped farther down the slope of depression, and here I sit at the bottom of the hole, looking up. I can barely see my old life from this view. It looks like a car when you see it from the window of an airplane. That slope has nothing but loose dirt on it, and nothing to stop my fall. I was stuck for so long, but I've started climbing again, and I slip so much on the way out, and sometimes it just seems hopeless. Do you realize that because of what you did to me, I had no other choice but to take a job that I hate with an old woman that I want to strangle in order to pay for my room and board? It was either that or whore myself out. And as a direct result of that choice, I no longer have the option of being a theatre major, unless, somehow, I can find a roommate for next year, a roommate that would be willing to share a studio apartment. The only good that has come out of your betrayal is I have gotten closer to Alex. He's supported me through my tears, the tears I thought would never dry. Remember how I never used to cry? I cry a lot more now. After I broke off from you, I hated eating, I hated everything that had to do with you, and I still can't forgive you, you stupid slut. After I hit rock bottom, I couldn't find any motivation to go to work, to go to my independent study class. I didn't get a shop supervisor position this year because of you assholes, and I will never forgive you. I trusted you, and you almost killed me with your neglect. It was funny. After I found out, all the things you didn't want to do with me made sense. Didn't want to see Beauty Queen alone with me? Go figure. Didn't invite me to go to the 'Tag with you when you went with A.K. and J.B.? I wonder why. Everything just started to fall into place, and you know what? That hurt even more. The fact that you were pulling this shit and I couldn't see it. It was so obvious! I guess I didn't see it because I thought you were my best friends. I tell myself I'm better off without you, that you destroy my self esteem and crush my faith, but I actually believe that my self-esteem was better when we were friends. I'm disappointed because I lost the illusion of great friends, but I would rather know that I have no friends than let you go on pretending. Bitch. I hope you have a shitty life.